Harry Potter and the Slightly Unfortunate Child
by Codee21
Summary: An original parody in script format, written by six college students who hated Cursed Child just as much as you did. Follows the plot line of the original while mocking it all the while. Time travel that breaks canon? Cedric, a Death Eater? Sexual tension poorly masked by the sudden reappearance of a side character who shouldn't have been a side character? Albus/Scorpius, obviously
1. Act I

So, hi guys! I hope this answers some of your PMs - no, I haven't died, or fallen off the face of the Earth. It's just, well, **college**. I'm incredibly sorry it's taken me this long to post anything… and I'm sorry to say that I won't have time to finish the next chapter of _Thorns Have Roses_ and _The Thorn in My Side_ until Christmas…. but, well, I hope you'll forgive me just a little bit once you see what I've been working on.

See, an amazing friend of mine decided to start up a student-run theater group on my campus, and we were fishing around for projects to do when he came up with the brilliant idea of writing and performing an original _Harry Potter and the Cursed Child_ parody - because, let's face it, _Cursed Child_ was simply begging for it, and it was only a matter of time. So he and I, along with four other friends, spent a few months writing **this**. The show, which I'm directing, will be performed at the end of the semester, and until then unfortunately it'll be taking up all my free time, as well as a good portion of time I should be spending doing homework. But it's a labor of love, and I hope you agree with me when I say it's well worth the effort.

I'll be posting Acts I-IV separately, but since it's all written, I can guarantee they'll be updated just a few days apart.

Again, I didn't write this alone, so I'd like to give a shout-out to my amazing co-writers who gave their time and energy to this project (and don't worry, I got permission from all of them before posting this here)

Obviously, I don't own _Harry Potter_ , or _Cursed Child_ wouldn't exist and there would be nothing to parody

I think that's all the icky technical authory things - so, enjoy!

* * *

 **HARRY POTTER AND THE SLIGHTLY UNFORTUNATE CHILD**

 **CAST**

ALBUS POTTER

SCORPIUS MALFOY

DELPHI

HARRY POTTER (double cast as Cedric Diggory)

GINNY POTTER

HERMIONE GRANGER-WEASLEY

RON WEASLEY

ROSE GRANGER-WEASLEY

HUGO GRANGER-WEASLEY

JAMES SIRIUS POTTER

LILY LUNA POTTER

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

DRACO MALFOY

SEVERUS SNAPE

CEDRIC DIGGORY (double cast as Harry Potter)

STUDENTS #1-14

AMOS DIGGORY

THE SORTING HAT

THE BOOKCASE

DEMENTORS (3)

LUDO BAGMAN

CRAIG BOWKER JR.

FLEUR DELACOUR

VIKTOR KRUM

"TECHIES" (4)

* * *

 **ACT I**

 **I.1**

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL stands downstage left, reading from a copy of 'The Deathly Hallows')_

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Nineteen years later…

 _(Enter HARRY, GINNY, ALBUS, JAMES, and LILY)_

Autumn seemed to arrive suddenly that year. The morning of the first of September was crisp and golden as an apple, and as the little family bobbed across the rumbling road towards the great sooty station, the fumes of car exhausts and the breath of pedestrians sparkled like cobwebs in the cold air. Albus's voice drifted back to Harry over the surrounding clamor; his sons had resumed the argument they had started in the car.

ALBUS

I **won't**! I **won't** be in Slytherin!

GINNY

James, give it a rest.

JAMES

I only said he **might** be in Slytherin…

 _(HARRY glares at him)_

…fine.

ALBUS

 _(To GINNY)_

You'll write me, won't you?

GINNY

As much as you'd like. We wrote to James three times a week last year.

ALBUS

 _(To JAMES)_

What? But you said-

HARRY

Don't believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts, Albus. He likes a laugh, your brother.

LILY

 _(Looking anxiously for someone in the crowd)_

Where are they? I don't see them!

GINNY

Don't worry Lily, we'll find them.

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

But the vapor was dense, and it was difficult to make out anybody's faces. Detached from their owners, voices sounded unnaturally loud. Finally, a group of four people emerged from the mist, standing alongside the very last carriage.

 _(Enter RON, HERMIONE, ROSE, and HUGO)_

LILY

 _(Running up to RON)_

Uncle Ron! UNCLE RON!

RON

 _(Hugging her)_

Lily! If it isn't my favorite Potter!

LILY

Have you got my trick?

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL begins to flip through 'The Deathly Hallows' confusedly, searching for the dialogue that is taking place.)_

RON

Are you aware of the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes nose-stealing breath?

ROSE

Mum! Dad's doing that weird thing again!

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S confusion intensifies)_

HERMIONE

Rose, let him be, you know he likes to make jokes.

RON

 _(Leaning over LILY'S face)_

Hang on. Let me just munch this…air. And now it's just a simple matter of…

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL leans in to observe, ignoring the book in her hands. RON breathes on LILY and "removes" her nose)_

Excuse me if my breath smells of garlic… I've got your nose!

LILY

Oh Uncle Ron, you're so silly!

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Well I **never**! Ten points from J.K. Rowling! I refuse to watch this babbling, bumbling band of baboons a moment longer! Good luck keeping things true to canon without a narrator!

HARRY

Great, thanks Headmistress McGonagall!

 _(To the rest of his family)_

It was so nice of her to wish us luck, you guys! I'm sure we'll nail this! I mean, I am Harry Potter after all.

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL snaps the book shut and exits in a huff)_

ALBUS

Dad, everyone's staring at you again. Why do they always have to stare?

HARRY

Because I'm incredibly cool and famous, kiddo. But don't worry, you have my genes, so some of it is bound to have rubbed off on you.

ALBUS

But what if I'm Sorted into Slytherin?

HARRY

Albus Severus, you're my son, and you were named after two headmasters of Hogwarts…no pressure! I'm sure you'll be awesome!

ALBUS

But Slytherin isn't **awesome** , Dad.

HARRY

Al, look. There's no way you'll be in Slytherin. The Sorting Hat takes what you want into account, alright? So just play it cool, tell it you want to be in Gryffindor, and then you'll be amazing and popular like I am.

 _(The train whistles from offstage. JAMES hugs GINNY and HARRY and runs off to board the train)_

You'd better get on! Have a great time, slugger.

 _(ALBUS goes to hug his father but HARRY high-fives him and turns away. ROSE approaches him as GINNY, HERMIONE, RON, HUGO, and LILY wave goodbye. ALBUS and ROSE board the train. As they turn away, HUGO drops his hand and looks at GINNY.)_

HUGO

They're fucked, aren't they Mum?

HERMIONE

Your sister will be okay, Hugo – she's just a side character. But Albus is Harry Potter's son and there's an unnecessary sequel centered around him. Of course he's fucked.

 _(ALBUS and ROSE come across SCORPIUS on the train, who is sitting and reading by himself. He notices their presence and pops his head out of his book.)_

SCORPIUS

Oh, hello there. Want some sweets? I've just been reading about how Honeydukes makes their Pepper Imps. It's fascinating really.

 _(ALBUS starts to walk toward SCORPIUS, but ROSE stops him)_

ROSE

Albus, what are you **thinking**? Don't you know who that is? He's Scorpius Malfoy – people say he's Lord Voldemort's son.

ALBUS

Rose, don't be ridiculous. He has a nose.

 _(He begins to walk toward Scorpius)_

ROSE

But…but it's a **small** nose!

 _(ALBUS ignores her – he only has eyes for SCORPIUS)_

ALBUS

I'm Albus. The rest of my name isn't important because my dad sucks.

 _(Reaching for the bag of sweets in Scorpius's lap, leaning over him)_

Mind if I try a taste?

SCORPIUS

I offered, didn't I? You have my whole-hearted consent.

 _(ALBUS fumbles with the wrapper, still leaned over Scorpius's lap)_

ALBUS

How – how do I…?

SCORPIUS

Haven't you ever done this before?

ALBUS

My parents just don't **understand** me. They don't exactly approve…

 _(ROSE pulls ALBUS away from SCORPIUS, and we see he is holding a candy wrapper)_

...of sweets. They've never let me eat sugary things, you see.

ROSE

Albus, we should **go**. I – I'm feeling ill. Dreadfully ill.

 _(ALBUS shakes her off, still staring at Scorpius)_

ALBUS

You know where the loo is, we passed it on the way here.

 _(To SCORPIUS)_

But really, how do you open wrappers like these?

SCORPIUS

There's a spell, if it's really stuck. I could teach you. I could teach you a lot of things, really…

ALBUS

My wand is at the ready.

ROSE

Oh for Merlin's sake. Al, I'm leaving.

 _(ALBUS sits down on the seat next to SCORPIUS, still not looking at ROSE.)_

ALBUS

Yeah, okay, see you.

 _(ROSE storms off)_

SCORPIUS

Thanks for staying.

ALBUS

I stayed because you're sweet. No, wait, I meant to say I didn't stay because of **you** – I stayed because of your sweets.

 _(People crowd around ALBUS, separating him from SCORPIUS before the latter can answer as the change to Great Hall occurs. SCORPIUS sits and reads his book, trying not to stare at ALBUS and failing. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL enters with the SORTING HAT.)_

SORTING HAT

 _(Sing-song)_

 _Oh you may not think I'm pretty,_

 _But don't judge on what you see,_

 _For I'm a useful plot device_

 _That's why they're using me!_

 _There's nothing hidden in your head_

 _The Sorting Hat can't see,_

 _Except of course a Horcrux -_

 _And so-ci-o-path-y!_

 _Young Harry was a Slytherin_

 _Hermione, Ravenclaw_

 _And Ronald Weasley Hufflepuff_

 _That's how I'd sort them all!_

 _But Rowling thought it useful_

 _To unite them in one name_

 _So I threw them all in Gryffindor_

 _And secured their lasting fame_

 _Now once again I'm needed_

 _To separate friend from foe_

 _So put me on and talk with me_

 _And I'll tell you what I know!_

STUDENT #1

 _(Pointing to SCORPIUS)_

Come over here first, Sorting Hat! He's the son of **Voldemort** , he's got to be a Slytherin!

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT go to SCORPIUS. The hat is placed on his head.)_

SORTING HAT

Brainy. Innocent. No ambition of any kind. RAVENCLAW!

 _(There is a collective gasp from the CROWD)_

STUDENT #2

 _(Hesitantly, they push ALBUS to the front)_

And – and him? He's a Potter!

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT go to ALBUS. The hat is placed on his head)_

ALBUS

 _(Looking upward to speak to the hat)_

No one understands me, hat. I'm too angsty for that. But you're magical, aren't you? Maybe you can see I have daddy issues. Please put me in Gryffindor.

SORTING HAT

Sure, if it means that much to you! GRYFFINDOR!

 _(The CROWD begins to cheer, but PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL shushes them. She speaks sternly to the hat.)_

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Now Hat, this is not what we discussed. This is a play. A LONG play. What do you expect, Albus will become a Gryffindor and everything will be unicorns and lemon drops?

SORTING HAT

Hufflepuff?

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Warmer.

SORTING HAT

Ravenclaw?

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

There's only one option left...

SORTING HAT

Okay, fine, Slytherin!

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Thank you, Hat.

 _(She points to SCORPIUS)_

And what is young Mr. Malfoy over there?

SORTING HAT

 _(Sounding resigned)_

A Slytherin, Headmistress McGonagall.

 _(Transition. ALBUS starts stage right with SCORPIUS by his side as the CROWD mills about. As the montage progresses they move steadily across to stage left.)_

STUDENT #3

What are you doing in Slytherin, Potter?

STUDENT #4

Are you even Harry's son?

STUDENT #5

You don't even look like him!

 _(STUDENT #6 hands him a small vacuum cleaner)_

STUDENT #6

Come on, prove you're a Potter. Let's see you fly!

ALBUS

But you've given me a vacuum!

STUDENT #6

The son of Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley shouldn't need a broom to fly! You should be able to **clean** up the competition on the Quidditch pitch no matter what you're riding.

SCORPIUS

If Albus could fly without a broom he'd be proving he was **Voldemort's** son, not Harry Potter's.

STUDENT #6

Whatever you say, Slytherin freaks!

 _(STUDENT #6 fades back into the CROWD. ALBUS puts down the vacuum and moves forward with SCORPIUS.)_

STUDENT #7

Help! Troll! There's a troll in the dungeon!

STUDENT #8

Let's get Potter to take care of it!

 _(STUDENT #9 pushes out of the crowd)_

STUDENT #9

Follow me Albus, we need you to save Polly Chapman from a troll! Your dad took one down all on his own during first year, and you're even a second year now-

ROSE

Actually, my parents helped -

ALBUS

Isn't that what professors are for? Saving us from our surprisingly dangerous magic school, even though it's supposed to be the safest place in the country?

STUDENT #9

You're not going to blindly rush into a dangerous situation to save someone you hate? Wimp! No wonder you aren't a Gryffindor!

 _(ROSE and STUDENT #9 fade back into the CROWD. ALBUS moves forward with SCORPIUS. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL appears with the SORTING HAT.)_

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Lily Potter!

 _(LILY steps forward out of the CROWD. The hat is placed on her head.)_

SORTING HAT

GRYFFINDOR!

 _(It waits a beat)_

You aren't going to question me this time?

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Heavens no! It's much more dramatic if both Albus's brother and sister are living up to everyone else's expectations while he isn't!

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL and the SORTING HAT fade back into the CROWD. ALBUS and SCORPIUS move forward but are soon blocked by STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11)_

STUDENT #10

Where do you think you're going, snakeskin?

SCORPIUS

Isn't this getting a little old, you guys?

STUDENT #11

Just because we're all third years now doesn't mean you two aren't still freaks!

 _(STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 raise their wands at ALBUS and SCORPIUS threateningly. ALBUS shakily points his wand at one of them)_

ALBUS

Lo-lo-locomotor Mortis!

 _(The spell backfires and ALBUS falls to the ground - his legs are glued together. SCORPIUS kneels beside him to help him up as STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 cackle)_

STUDENT #10

You're always going to suck at magic, Potter! You're nothing like your father!

 _(STUDENT #10 and STUDENT #11 fade into the CROWD)_

STUDENT #12

Did you hear Rose Granger-Weasley was put on the Gryffindor Quidditch team?

STUDENT #13

I've heard she's the best Chaser they've had since Ginny Potter!

STUDENT #14

She's just so **perfect**! It's almost like she's an ideal Albus will always be compared to without being given any faults of her own!

 _(ALBUS sits up, groaning, as SCORPIUS helps him)_

ALBUS

Great. As if my cousin needed something else to make her head big.

SCORPIUS

They do have a point.. She's perfect. Because she's a girl. Who is perfect. Because I'm attracted to girls. So I'm attracted to her.

ALBUS

Why-oh whatever.

You're the only one I can depend on, Scorpius. You're the only one who **understands** me. It's like you're my soulmate –

 _(He hastily corrects himself)_

But in a totally platonic way, of course.

 _(ALBUS and SCORPIUS stand and move forward. They are now on Platform 9 ¾. HARRY and DRACO have entered. SCORPIUS stands with DRACO, a bit off to the side.)_

HARRY

Alright Al! Fourth year's always a big one, pal! In my fourth year I fought a dragon, rescued your Uncle Ron from the Black Lake, kicked You-Know-Who's ass…

 _(He stares off dreamily for a moment, then comes back to himself)_

Sorry, what were we talking about? Girl advice? Did you want advice on how to ask a girl out? Because –

ALBUS

That isn't an issue for me, Dad. **God,** you don't **understand** me! You never have!

HARRY

I'm trying to understand you, slugger. I wrote a song on my guitar about it and everything.

ALBUS

Dad, I don't **care** about your **stupid** guitar-

 _(HARRY gasps)_

HARRY

You don't care about Funky Taylor Swift? Take that back right now, young man, or-

ALBUS

Or what? You'll write a song about how you wish I wasn't your son?

HARRY

Yes!

ALBUS

So you admit it, then? You wish I wasn't your son?

HARRY

Wait, I- I might have meant that, but I'm not sure-

 _(Confused pause)_

What was the question again? Something about girl advice?

 _(ALBUS spots SCORPIUS in the CROWD. SCORPIUS is reading a book, but stops and looks when he overhears what is going on)_

ALBUS

It's fine Dad. Whatever. You wouldn't understand.

 _(ALBUS walks over to SCORPIUS. SCORPIUS awkwardly pats him on the back)_

SCORPIUS

Are you okay? That sounded pretty bad - it made me look up from my book and everything.

ALBUS

It's fine. I'm fine. It's not like I'm going to lock myself in my room later, sulk, and sing along angstily to Panic! At the Disco.

 _(The two notice DRACO moving toward HARRY. The pair are clearly curious)_

ALBUS

Wait, what does your dad want with my dad?

SCORPIUS

I guess we're about to find out - the actor who plays Draco is really good at projecting, I'm sure we'll hear him from across the stage.

 _(The pair are clearly listening in.)_

DRACO

Potter, I would like to politely plea for your patronage.

HARRY

What is it you'd like me to do, Draco?

DRACO

I'm positive that by now you've heard these preposterous presumptions about my progeny's parentage.

HARRY

I've heard people questioning whether your wife went back in time to have a kid with Voldemort, yeah. What do you want me to do about it?

DRACO

Plainly, you must point out the postiveness with which we perpend his paternity. The power permitted to you, as the principal proprietor of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement –

HARRY

Look, I can't really say anything, because it'll make it look like I care when I'm supposed to be too cool and famous to care about anything. But everyone knows that even if Time-Turners worked like that in the original series, all of them were destroyed when I handed your dad's ass to him at the Department of Mysteries. There are absolutely no more Time-Turners.

 _(HERMIONE enters, Time-Turner in hand, and taps HARRY on the shoulder. He turns to face her as DRACO walks away, still upset.)_

HERMIONE

Harry, look what we just found – a Time-Turner!

HARRY

Wow, I thought that all of these were gone!

HERMIONE

We were wrong! It was found with some Death Eaters, so we shouldn't be surprised if it breaks canon and works in a fundamentally different way than anything we've seen before! Now we need to make sure this stays a Ministry secret…

AMOS

 _(From offstage)_

Did I hear you shouting across the train station that you've found a Time-Turner that might defy previous time travel precedents?

 _(Enters and begins walking toward HARRY as HERMIONE wanders off on the platform)_

Splendid! We can use it to save my dead son, Cedric Diggory!

HARRY

Mr. Amos Diggory? Where did you just come from?

AMOS

Backstage, of course. You can hear everything splendidly from there! It's good to keep up on all the goings-on – there's certainly a lot of information dumped on you all at once in this play!

HARRY

Well, Mr. Diggory, I'm sorry, I was really upset when Cedric died too. He was a big fan of mine. I wrote a song about it and everything. But if we try to bring back Cedric we run the risk of resurrecting the most powerful Dark wizard of our time. And that wouldn't be cool.

AMOS

But saving my Hufflepuff son who never did anything important clearly takes precedence!

 _(DELPHI enters and approaches ALBUS and SCORPIUS)_

DELPHI

You can't argue with that logic, can you?

ALBUS

No, he really has some rock-solid reasoning there

 _(Looking at DELPHI confusedly)_

Who are you?

DELPHI

The name's Delphini, but no one can pronounce that, so call me Delphi. I'm a Riddle.

SCORPIUS

Oh, I love riddles! I hope I get to show off my braininess later on and solve some! Preferably when we're all in mortal danger!

DELPHI

Yeah. Word games. That's what I meant.

 _(To ALBUS)_

Albus, please consider helping me save Cedric Diggory.

ALBUS

Why do you care about Cedric Diggory? Why should **anyone** care about Cedric Diggory? I'm too moody to care.

DELPHI

He's, um… he's… my cousin! Yes. Amos is my uncle, Cedric was my cousin, and I'm very upset I never got to meet him.

HARRY

Amos, look, I'm super sorry your son is dead, but there's nothing I can do without putting the Wizarding World in danger. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go destroy that Time-Turner.

 _(HERMIONE overhears him and approaches)_

HERMIONE

We can't **destroy** it Harry! This is an arms race! There might be another one, and if someone else gets to travel back in time I want to have that option too!

 _(She looks to RON, who is playing got-your-nose with HUGO)_

It's comforting to know that it's never too late to change your mind.

HARRY

 _(Shrugging)_

Suit yourself. I'm kind of just a go-with-the-flow kind of guy. You're the bossy know-it-all, Hermione.

AMOS

So you'll hold onto an extremely dangerous Time-Turner for someone else to steal, but you won't use it to save my son? Clearly The Boy Who Lived isn't as brave as he used to be!

HARRY

 _(Aside)_

You're cooler than him, Harry, don't let him get to you. He's just jealous because you're famous and have better hair.

HERMIONE

It's a **plot device**. It isn't supposed to make sense!

DELPHI

 _(To ALBUS)_

See? Your father isn't going to help my uncle and I. It's just…he just doesn't **understand** us…

 _(This resonates with ALBUS – DELPHI is playing him. He now looks determined)_

ALBUS

You're right, he doesn't! He never understands! Scorpius and I will help you. And even if we do bring back Lord Voldemort-

DELPHI

Don't worry, we will.

SCORPIUS

What did you just say?

DELPHI

Absolutely nothing.

 _(SCORPIUS shrugs)_

SCORPIUS

Must have been the wind. Or foreshadowing. It's rather hard to tell, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.

AMOS

Fine, Mr. Potter. Have it your way. I suppose I'll just have to live out the rest of my years alone, with no relatives to keep me company.

DELPHI

 _(To ALBUS and SCORPIUS)_

He's forgetting about me, of course.

 _(Shouting to AMOS, who has now walked away from HARRY and HERMIONE)_

Uncle Amos! Amos Diggory!

 _(AMOS looks confused, but he comes over)_

AMOS

Who are you?

DELPHI

 _(Pointing her wand at AMOS)_

Imperio!

AMOS

Ah yes, Delp-ninny!

DELPHI

 **Imperio!**

AMOS

( _Moving to hug her)_

Ah yes, my beloved niece, Delphi.

DELPHI

Uncle Amos, Harry Potter's son has agreed to help us save Cedric!

SCORPIUS

And I'll help too! There's absolutely no reason for me not to trust you!

DELPHI

Yes, yes, and the bookworm.

AMOS

 _(Shaking their hands vigorously)_

Splendid! Thank you, boys, thank you!

ALBUS

Wait, I just thought of something! Shouldn't we tell Teddy that we'll be stealing a Time-Turner that breaks all the previously known rules of time travel? You know, so he can go back to the Battle of Hogwarts and save his dead parents?

SCORPIUS, DELPHI, and AMOS

Who?

ALBUS

Teddy? Teddy Lupin? Son of Tonks and Remus Lupin?

SCORPIUS

Albus, are you feeling alright? I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about.

ALBUS

 _(Smacking his head)_

Oh, I'm so stupid, I forgot, he isn't in this play at all! Sorry! Carry on!

 _(The train whistles. The CROWD begins to disperse. HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, and GINNY begin to lead their other children onto the train)_

DELPHI

Quickly, before they notice you're gone! Meet us outside in fifteen minutes, once everyone has left. We can't let them see that you haven't boarded the Hogwarts Express!

SCORPIUS

Skipping school? Now look, you never said anything about skipping school.

DELPHI

Lighten up, Scorpius. Aren't you tired of reading about adventures in books? Don't you want to be the one getting stabbed in the back like Caesar, or –

ALBUS

Wait, what?

DELPHI

Nothing.

ALBUS

Damn that wind. Or foreshadowing.

 _(To SCORPIUS)_

Come on Scorp, let's go!

SCORPIUS

 _(Privately to ALBUS)_

Are we sure this is a good idea? I'm just really worried that –

 _(ALBUS hugs him tightly in a non-platonic way)_

ALBUS

You worry too much. Just do what I do and jump into situations blindly, then sulk about it later when nothing works out right.

SCORPIUS

Oh, are we friends that hug now? Okay. I – I like it.

 _(Beat)_

And I'm not afraid to rush into this blindly. As long as we do it together.

 _(SCORPIUS and ALBUS run offstage. HARRY, HERMIONE, RON, and GINNY come back on)_

GINNY

Excuse me Mr. Diggory, have you seen Albus? He was just talking to you a moment ago, and I didn't see him get on the train…

AMOS

He's hiding in the loo until you leave.

DELPHI

 _(Pointing her wand at AMOS)_

Imperio!

AMOS

He got on the train with that Malfoy boy!

DELPHI

Don't worry, he'd never want to miss the train! After all, there's nothing that he loves more than Hogwarts, where he's bullied mercilessly!

HARRY

Great, thanks! We'll take your word for it!

 _(To GINNY)_

See, I told you not to worry! Everything is totally awesome!

* * *

 **I.2**

 _(Enter SCORPIUS, ALBUS, and DELPHI)_

DELPHI

Ok, so how are we going to break into the ministry? Are we going to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things? I think we should storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.

 _(Beat. Uncomfortable laughter.)_

SCORPIUS

No, this isn't _The Matrix_. Whenever anyone ever needed to break into anything in the main books, what did they use?

ALBUS

I don't know. I hated those books.

SCORPIUS

Polyjuice Potion, of course.

DELPHI

Of course! We'll disguise ourselves as low-ranking ministry officials – we'll knock them out, and then pretend to be them going about their business!

ALBUS

Nah, that'd be too easy. Let's disguise ourselves as my father and Hermione and Ron. That's obviously the best way to go.

SCORPIUS

I think people might recognize us...

ALBUS

I bet they won't.

SCORPIUS

And what if they show up here?

ALBUS

They won't! We're teenagers. Weird schemes that should never work out for teenagers always work out in this universe, right? I've got some hair right here, all prepared. I'm going to the bathroom.

 _(HE drops the hair into his potion and exits. SCORPIUS looks at DELPHI)_

SCORPIUS

Ok, I guess?

( _SCORPIUS and DELPHI follow ALBUS. Sounds of retching. From the bathrooms emerge HARRY / SCORPIUS, RON / ALBUS, and DELPHI / HERMIONE)_

RON (ALBUS)

Let's go. But – can we stop by my dad's office? I want to leave a stink bomb in there.

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

Are you kidding? We're trying to destroy the world – I mean, uh, save someone, and you're dealing with daddy issues?

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

 _(aside, to HERMIONE (DELPHI))_

He always has daddy issues. Look, there's the minister's office, just up that flight of stairs!

 _(Beat)_

Do I look like your daddy?

RON (ALBUS)

Yeah, kind of. You don't quite pull it off, though.

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

 _(By now, SHE has run to the top of the stairs and discovered that a pantomimed "door" is stuck)_

The door is not opening, even when I use magic. What will we do?

RON (ALBUS)

Let me try. I bet I can open it.

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

 _(also going to help with the door)_

Why don't I look like Harry Potter?

RON (ALBUS)

I don't know – you're just not.

 _(HE grunts as he pulls at the door. HARRY (SCORPIUS) is now directly behind RON (ALBUS).)_

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

But I've got to look exactly like him.

 _(HE grunts)_

Come on, Albus. Who's your Daddy?

RON (ALBUS)

You are.

 _(Grunts)_

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

What?

 _(Grunts)_

Say it again.

RON (ALBUS)

You are. You are my Daddy.

 _(Suddenly the door flies open. The three fall back. HERMIONE (DELPHI) looks between her two partners.)_

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

You guys are weird.

 _(Before they can respond, the sound of footsteps.)_

Look! It's us! Hermione Granger-Weasley and Potter are coming down the hallway!

RON (ALBUS)

What are we going to do? There's nowhere to hide.

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

The minister's office! Quick!

RON (ALBUS)

But that's where they're going to go!

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

You'll have to stop them, Albus.

RON (ALBUS)

What? Why me?

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

Because _we're them_. Come on.

 _(HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) withdraw into the office. RON (ALBUS) closes the door.)_

RON (ALBUS)

 _(with real angst)_

Why _meee?_

 _(HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) run through the wings. There is a pause as it is made clear the actors are scrambling to get to the other side of the stage, with loud sounds of running footsteps. Enter HERMIONE and HARRY)_

HARRY

Well, Hermione, thank you for your concern, but I think I'll be fine. After all, I am Harry Potter.

HERMIONE

 _(sees RON (ALBUS))_

Ron! What are you doing here?

RON (ALBUS)

Nothing. I mean, uh, waiting for you!

 _(HERMIONE leans in for a kiss. RON (ALBUS) sees it and stands there awkwardly. HERMIONE looks at him. RON (ALBUS) realizes what he has to do, and firmly kisses her.)_

HERMIONE

Well.

RON (ALBUS)

What?

HERMIONE

I haven't been kissed like that for a long time. It's like we're young again.

HARRY

I should go...

HERMIONE

Really, Harry. Whatever you said to Albus, I'm sure it will be fine in the long run.

RON (ALBUS)

No it won't!

HERMIONE

What?

RON (ALBUS)

I mean, "No it won't" uh, be fine in the short run, but then it will be okay! Things like this happen all the time.

HARRY

I wish I could believe you.

HERMIONE

We all say things we don't mean.

RON (ALBUS)

And sometimes we say things we _do_ mean.

HERMIONE

Not, now, Ron. Anyway, Harry, I'll see you around.

 _(HARRY exits. HERMIONE tries to go into her office. RON (ALBUS) blocks her.)_

Ron, honestly.

RON (ALBUS)

 _(desperate)_

Don't you think we should have a baby, Aunt Hermione? I mean, Hermione?

 _(HE kisses her again.)_

HERMIONE

What? Another?

RON (ALBUS)

We could go discuss it, right now.

HERMIONE

Ronald Weasley, if there is _another_ stink bomb in my office, nothing will save you.

 _(RON (ALBUS), hoping for an opening, laughs sheepishly)_

Fine. I'll let you clean it up. But it had better be clean by two o'clock. I have a meeting with the head Gringots goblin then.

RON (ALBUS)

It will be.

 _(HERMIONE and HARRY exit. RON (ALBUS) makes a face at HARRY'S retreating back. HE then enters the office, where HERMIONE (DELPHI) and HARRY (SCORPIUS) are waiting, having run through the wings once more. Bookshelves made up of two TECHIES holding up a black curtain and at least one shelf with books on it. A THIRD TECHIE holds books beneath the shelf, their hands coming through the curtain, as if the books are floating.)_

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

You kissed your aunt.

RON (ALBUS)

Yes.

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

Was it good?

RON (ALBUS)

Shut up!

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

The time turner. It has to be here somewhere. We didn't touch anything while you were away - whenever someone in a fantasy series triggers a trap when the main character isn't there, things don't go too well for them.

RON (ALBUS)

Oh, how considerate.

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

 _(looking at the bookshelves)_

Let's try looking in the books.

 _(HARRY (SCORPIUS) pulls one of the books from the TECHIE'S hands, then drops it as if it were hot. It begins to speak.)_

BOOK

Answer me these questions three, ere the time turner you see.

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

Riddles! I love riddles! It's really convenient that I just told you that in the last scene, isn't it? It's a little disappointing that we don't seem to be in mortal danger, though...

BOOK

He who builds me doesn't use me

He who buys me doesn't want me

He who uses me –

THE THREE

Coffin!

BOOK

 _(sighing)_

Fine... Hmm... Oh, I know!

The first is the fourth, a disappointing mark.

You'll find it in parked but not in park.

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

This one is harder.

BOOK

The second is the less fair of those that walk on two legs.

Grubby, hairy, a disease of the egg.

And the third is both a mountain to climb and a route to take.

RON (ALBUS)

Scorpius?

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

 _(Suddenly, HERMIONE (DELPHI) is grabbed by the bookshelf and begins to be pulled behind the curtain)_

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

Think faster!

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

Yay! We **are** in mortal danger!

 _(Beat)_

The first is the fourth, a disappointing grade – a D?

 _(HE shudders)_

Then what is the less fair of those who walk on both legs? A disease of the egg?

HERMIONE (DELPHI)

Men, obviously!

 _(SHE disappears behind the curtain)_

RON (ALBUS)

Delphi! De-men- what's that? Demons?

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

Dementors?

RON (ALBUS)

Wait, what's the third part?

BOOK

Correct!

RON (ALBUS)

What about the third part?

DELPHI

 _(from offstage)_

It doesn't matter!

RON (ALBUS)

Right. The riddles.

BOOK

The third and final riddle is...

 _(Pause)_

What have I got in my pocketses?

RON (ALBUS)

What? That's not a riddle! That's not even from this series!

 _(The BOOKSHELF grabs RON (ALBUS))_

Hey! You don't even _have_ pockets!

BOOK

Nope! What have I got in my pocketses?

RON (ALBUS)

Scorpius!

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

The one ring?

BOOK

 _(gleefully)_

Nope!

 _(RON (ALBUS) is consumed)_

ALBUS

 _(from offstage)_

Come on, Scorpius, think!

HARRY (SCORPIUS)

 _(Casting about wildly)_

I don't know. I don't know! Pockets? Like the inside of the covers?

BOOK

That's dust jackets, not pocketses.

 _(The BOOKSHELF makes a grab for HARRY (SCORPIUS). HARRY (SCORPIUS) blocks the BOOKSHELF. THEY struggle. For a moment, HE disappears behind the curtain. There is a moment of total silence. Then SCORPIUS bursts back out, as himself.)_

SCORPIUS

No! I'm a bookworm – I consume books, not the other way around!

 _(SCORPIUS grabs the bookshelf's off-hand, carrying a pocketbook. SCORPIUS takes the pocketbook from the bookshelf.)_

Wait, wait! A book's pockets. A pocketbook!

 _(He opens the pocketbook – the time turner falls out onto the floor. The BOOKSHELF immediately retreats. The BOOKSHELVES eject DELPHI and ALBUS, both un-polyjuiced.)_

DELPHI

Finally!

ALBUS

Yuck! I am never reading anything ever again.

SCORPIUS

Look guys . . . the time turner.

DELPHI

 _(ominously)_

Finally.

 _(Blackout.)_


	2. Act II

Here's Act II, as promised! Hope you guys are liking it! Acts III and IV will be posted within the next few days :)

* * *

 **ACT II**

 **II.1**

 _(Lights go up on ALBUS and SCORPIUS and DELPHI jogging in circles center stage.)_

SCORPIUS

Okay. So this thing has only just begun and it's almost half killed us. I feel like I've learned a little about me and a lot about you, and this has been great, but -

ALBUS

But you want to keep going. With me.

SCORPIUS

I- yeah. With you.

DELPHI

Hey guys?

SCORPIUS

Oh. You're still here.

DELPHI

So, we have the time turner. How are we going to carry out the next step of my evil plan? Er, _our "_ evil plan." Are we going to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things? I think we should storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.

ALBUS

We can just wing it!

SCORPIUS

Well, that is what your dad always did…

ALBUS

We need a plan.

SCORPIUS

 _(Reciting)_

In the triwizard tournament of 1994, champion Cedric Diggory faced down the Norwegian Ridgeback, using the advanced transfiguration principle known as-

DELPHI

Sounds like a great time to storm in with our wands blazing, killing everyone and destroying things.

SCORPIUS

Aren't we supposed to be the good guys?

DELPHI

Um…. Distraction! Changing the subject! He used magic. Stop him from using magic. Got it. Great plan! Let's go!

SCORPIUS

I don't think you should come with us.

DELPHI

But you need me!

SCORPIUS

I don't know… something in the wind - or foreshadowing - is telling me that it's a bad idea to time travel with you.

DELPHI

Albus?

ALBUS

I want to go with Scorpius.

 _(ALBUS takes SCORPIUS' hand.)_

DELPHI

Fine.

SCORPIUS

 _(Eyeing DELPHI suspiciously)_

Come on, let's go.

 _(ALBUS and SCORPIUS hold hands and turn the time turner back together. The lights fade almost to a blackout and then fade slowly back in.)_

ALBUS

Wow. It felt like time stopped. And then it turned over, thought a bit, and began spooling backwards, slow at first, but then it sped up.

SCORPIUS

What the bloody hell are you on, Al?

ALBUS

I thought it was poetic…

SCORPIUS

Well, did it work?

 _(The lights suddenly become extremely bright, and the FULL CAST begins to cheer, offstage, as LUDO BAGMAN enters upstage center.)_

LUDO BAGMAN

And there they are. Ladies and gentlemen – boys and girls – I present to you THE CHAMPIONS. Representing Durmstrang, what eyebrows, what a gait, what a boy, there's nothing he won't try on a broomstick, it's Viktor Krazy Krum.

 _(KRUM enters stage left)_

From the Beauxbatons Academy – zut alors, it's Fleur Delacour!

 _(FLEUR enters stage left)_

And from Hogwarts not one but two students, he makes us all go weaky at the kneesy, he's Cedric Delicious Diggory.

 _(CEDRIC enters stage left)_

And then the other – you know him as the Boy Who Lived, I know him as the boy who keeps preventing Hogwarts from educating … Yes, it's Harry Plucky Potter.

 _(Slight pause as everyone looks stage left, waiting for Harry to enter)_

Unfortunately, due to poor choices in double casting, Harry Potter will not be in this scene! Cedric is up first, against the Rambunctious Ridgeback!

CEDRIC

I'm certain I will _find_ a way to defeat this dragon! Because I'm a Hufflepuff! And Hufflepuffs are good _finders!_

 _(The "dragon" enters – a TECHIE with a dragon puppet approaching from behind the audience. The CROWD gasps and screams, still offstage. ACTORS scream ad libs along the lines of "Don't harm our, precious, delicious Diggory, Mr. Dragon!" and "We like him pretty!")_

CEDRIC

Aguamenti!

 _(A second TECHIE rushes on with a water gun and stands in front of Cedric, shooting water at the dragon.)_

SCORPIUS

Albus, the time turner is acting suspicious…

ALBUS

I'm sure it's not another arbitrary plot device sneaking up on us. It's probably nothing.

SCORPIUS

Albus, it's got to be another arbitrary plot device. Hurry, before time travel makes us only able to speak in rhyme while we're back in time or we can only walk in vertical lines or we're exiled to a life of crime!

ALBUS

 _(Rushed, waving his wand)_

Expelliarmus!

 _(A TECHIE runs on and grabs CEDRIC'S wand, running offstage with it. The CROWD gasps.)_

CEDRIC

I _find_ it very suspicious that I have been disarmed.

LUDO BAGMAN

This is Hogwarts; of course there is no magic in place to prevent foul play! There are no rules! Cedric Dismal Diggory has been disqualified.

SCORPIUS

 _(As if being pulled by the time turner, begins to run offstage right)_

What a convenient time for the arbitrary plot device to kick in!

 _(ALBUS grabs SCORPIUS' hand and they exit stage right together.)_

ALBUS

 _(Yelling from offstage)_

Wait, this isn't how time travel worked a minute ago!

SCORPIUS

 _(Also yelling from offstage)_

I'd get used to it if I were you!

 _(ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter center stage and the lights flash very brightly for a second and then return to normal.)_

ALBUS

I guess this means we're back. It felt like time twisted, and turned over and then spooled into-

SCORPIUS

Are you going to say that every time?

ALBUS

My delicate-

SCORPIUS

Emo

ALBUS

-Constitution can't handle all this excitement. Especially not you interrupting me like that.

 _(ALBUS faints. SCORPIUS waves his arms in helpless frustration, as RON, GINNY, DRACO, and HARRY enter stage left.)_

DRACO

What has precipitated this improper profanation?

SCORPIUS

Oh no. I am not dealing with this alone. Wake up Al!

 _(ALBUS wakes up, but clearly wishes he hadn't.)_

Oh no. Now I have gone deaf.

HARRY

Albus Severus Potter, what the bloody hell were you thinking?!

ALBUS

 _(Whining)_

But Daaaaaad, I only did exactly what you would have done when you were my age!

HARRY

Right, but I'm Harry Potter. I'm too awesome to fuck things up. But playing with time in a way that totally goes against canon? **You** could have done some serious damage, scout.

ALBUS

You don't understand me, Dad!

HARRY

I understand a lot of things, son. I may not be a know-it-all like Hermione Granger, but I'm still pretty smart - it comes with being The Boy Who Lived. And right now I understand that this plot needs some angst! Therefore, since it was clearly Scorpius' fault-

ALBUS

I was the one who talked him into it!

HARRY

I know that, I was backstage for the entire thing, and my hearing is awesome. But it was his fault that you talked him into it! And as a result, you can never see Scorpius again!

ALBUS

I hate you, Dad!

GINNY

Harry, are you sure you want to do this in front of everyone…?

HARRY

Why shouldn't we, babe? It's not like Scorpius can hear us. And since I have no concept of how it feels to be alone and friendless as a child, because I'm too cool and popular to have ever been friendless, I can continue to be the dick that the plot requires me to be!

GINNY

Honestly Harry, don't you think you're being a little harsh? He's the boy's first… friend.

HARRY

What are you talking about? Albus has had plenty of friends in the past, what's so special about this one?

GINNY

( _Sighing)_

…...Nothing Harry. Nothing at all.

DRACO

Well, I am pleased to see I do not possess the only dysfunctional partnership with my progeny. Depart after me, son, let us go repair your phonic perception.

SCORPIUS

Oh it's fine father. My sudden loss of hearing is cured, now that they're done talking about me!

ALBUS

Uncle Ron, you're married to the Minister of Magic; you'd know. Isn't this illegal or something?!

RON

The Minister of Magic? Dear me no. Don't you know your own Aunt Padma, son?

ALBUS

Aunt Padma? I don't have an Aunt Padma!

RON

Well, that's a very hurtful thing to say, young man. And I'm so henpecked that I can't help but tell her about it later, since apparently I can't handle being married to a strong woman, though when I was backstage earlier, I could have sworn that I was doing just fine with that in an alternate timeline…

ALBUS

But you're married to Hermione!

RON

Oh Merlin no! No, no no, no.

ALBUS

But if you aren't married to Hermione, then Rose and Hugo don't exist! Scorpius, what have we done?!

SCORPIUS

Who's Rose?

ALBUS

Rose. My cousin?

SCORPIUS

Oh No! Not Rose!

GINNY

Wait, _didn't_ Ron have a child with Hermione?

HARRY

Not to brag or anything, but I think I'd remember something like that.

GINNY

I feel like they were supposed to be really important…

HARRY

Babe, they couldn't have been **that** important if they were on stage for such a little amount of time that we forgot about them.

GINNY

Oh, right, of course, carry on.

DRACO

I perceive that the plot is pulling me.

RON

You feel it too?

DRACO

Come, let us depart.

 _(DRACO, RON, and SCORPIUS exit stage right. MCGONAGALL enters stage left.)_

HARRY

McGonagall, I want you to keep my Gryffindor son away from that Malfoy boy. I think he's the son of Voldemort.

GINNY

You do?!

ALBUS

Gryffindor?!

HARRY

Yes. To both of you.

GINNY and ALBUS

Cool. Well, you must be right then.

HARRY

And I'm going to give you the Marauder's Map in order to keep an eye on my son so that he doesn't get up to any Marauding like I did when I was his age.

MCGONAGALL

….Because that's what the map is supposed to be used for.

HARRY

Did you really just talk back to me? Harry Potter? The Boy Who Lived? Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, and best Auror there ever was? You know I can bring down the wrath of the ministry on you if you don't do whatever I say, right?

MCGONAGALL

I knew I should have gotten child services involved while you were still little. That's how the government is actually supposed to interfere with parent-child relationships.

HARRY

Oh c'mon Professor, I think you're just too scared of getting fired to do what is right, because that's what your personality has always told us about you. And I'm Harry Potter, so that means I'm always right!

MCGONAGALL

If you say so. I'm certainly not going to stand up to you.

ALBUS

This settles it. I'm alone in the universe. And I changed my mind. I don't want to be in Gryffindor anymore! I like being bullied.

GINNY

I understand you, son, but I'm certainly not going to say anything to your father about it.

ALBUS

Thanks mom.

MCGONAGALL

Now it is time for you to begin your new school experience with me as your father's minion!

 _(MCGONAGALL, HARRY, and GINNY run off stage left. HERMIONE enters stage left, and the FULL CAST enters as students in ALBUS' class.)_

HERMIONE

Ah yes. Our runaway. Finally joining us.

ALBUS

Hermione?

HERMIONE

Professor Granger I believe is my name, Potter.

ALBUS

What are you doing here?

HERMIONE

Teaching. For my sins. What are you doing here? Learning I hope.

ALBUS

But you're . . . you're . . . Minister for Magic.

HERMIONE

Boy, didn't you know my self-worth was always tied into my relationships with men? How could I ever hope to be a successful Minister for Magic without a certain blithering, red-haired idiot by my side? And of course I would turn into a Snape-Umbridge hybrid, because I always had such an abrasive, uncaring personality that was only mitigated by my affection for the aforementioned idiot. Ten points from Gryffindor for stupidity.

ALBUS

But you're not this mean.

HERMIONE

And that's twenty points from Gryffindor to assure you, Potter, that I am this mean.

ALBUS

Can I just say—

HERMIONE

How dare you! Fifty points from Gryffindor. And I assure you if anyone interrupts me again it'll be a hundred points. You're stuck with me.

 _(Blackout.)_

* * *

 **II.2**

 _(Hogwarts library. ALBUS sits at a table, sulking. SCORPIUS enters, spots him, squares his shoulders, and approaches)_

SCORPIUS

Okay, what gives? You've been avoiding me all week!

 _(Beat)_

Did I do something wrong?

ALBUS

What, weren't you listening in the last scene? Dad forbade me to talk to you ever again. Stupid parents.

SCORPIUS

No, I didn't hear that at all! Damn momentary deafness.

ALBUS

Now quick, you should go away and let me sulk alone, before McGonagall sees on the Marauder's Map that we're together.

SCORPIUS

But Albus, we need to figure out how to fix what we did! Hermione is a bitter Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Rose doesn't exist-

ALBUS

Neither does Hugo.

SCORPIUS

Yeah, whatever. I don't care about him. I can't exactly have a crush on Hugo, can I? Me, have a crush on a guy? That would be ridiculous.

ALBUS

Sorry, you're right. Go on?

SCORPIUS

We never should have gone back to save Cedric. Professor Croaker's Law says that the farthest you can go back in time without causing serious ripples is five hours, and we went back years.

ALBUS

But Scorp, how does that law exist? Before now there haven't been any Time-Turners that **could** go back farther than five hours. And you said that in Prisoner of Azkaban time travel was a closed loop, there were no ripples –

SCORPIUS

I don't see how poking holes in this ridiculous justification to make our plot seem more realistic is helping.

ALBUS

Yeah, I guess it's not. I'm sorry, I'm just so sexually frustrated!

SCORPIUS

What?

ALBUS

I said I'm just frustrated. With my Dad. Because he's stupid. But maybe if we go back in time and change something else, we'll fix everything and be together again!

 _(ALBUS pulls the Time-Turner out from his pocket. SCORPIUS lunges for it)_

SCORPIUS

Albus, are you crazy! We can't fix things that way! So much can go wrong if we aren't careful. We should just ask someone to help us.

 _(They wrestle, rolling around on the floor)_

ALBUS

Why would you want to ask a third person? It's always been just the two of us! We'll take things slow, and it'll be great this time.

 _(Their wrestling becomes more sexual in nature. The Time-Turner rolls away from them, but neither notices as they continue to roll around on the floor)_

SCORPIUS

Are we friends that wrestle sexually now? Okay. I – I like it.

 _(They resume wrestling until PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL'S voice comes in from offstage)_

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

Albus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy! Are you in there – together? Because I advise you not to be!

 _(ALBUS and SCORPIUS freeze, with ALBUS on top)_

ALBUS

Scorpius, if she sees us together…

SCORPIUS

We should run! Now if you would just get off of me –

ALBUS

No, there has to be an easier way…

 _(Thinks for a moment)_

That's it! If she **sees** us together.

 _(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his father's Invisibility Cloak)_

Here, I nicked Dad's Invisibility Cloak from James. We should both be able to fit!

 _(They remain in a compromising position with SCORPIUS on the bottom as ALBUS throws the cloak over them. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL enters)_

PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL

This is your last warning! I'm coming in! Are you both fully clothed, at least? Should I cover my eyes?

 _(She looks around, then down at the Marauder's Map in her hands, then back up again)_

How strange!

 _(PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL begins to search the stage. ALBUS shifts a bit on top of SCORPIUS to keep her in his sight, accidentally doing something uncomfortable to SCORPIUS - SCORPIUS groans involuntarily. PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL stops and smirks.)_

The cloak? Clever boys! Well, if I didn't see you, I didn't see you.

 _(She begins to walk offstage)_

Don't forget protection!

ALBUS

What was all that she was saying about clothing and protection?

SCORPIUS

Haven't the foggiest.

 _(They pull off the cloak but remain in a compromising position on the floor)_

ALBUS

Ah well, she is pretty old. I'll never understand adults. And they don't understand me. No one does.

SCORPIUS

I understand you. You're like, well, an open book to me.

 _(There is a pause where it seems as if they are about to kiss)_

For some reason I feel compelled to bring up Rose right now. Maybe you're right, maybe we do need to go back in time again.

ALBUS

Yes. What did you have in mind?

SCORPIUS

Let's humiliate Cedric in the second task of the Triwizard Tournament. He'll be too embarrassed to go into the maze in the third task. Everyone knows Hufflepuffs don't like to work hard or push through obstacles in front of them – they always just quit while they're behind.

ALBUS

But how does that bring back Rose and Hugo?

SCORPIUS

It doesn't.

ALBUS

Okay, as long as we're on the same page.

* * *

 **II.3**

 _(Albus and Scorpius stumble around the stage Star Trek Original Series style while the lights flash)_

SCORPIUS

Well that was needlessly complicated.

ALBUS

Oh for crying out loud!

SCORPIUS

Never mind that, listen!

LUDO BAGMAN

Welcome welcome everybody, you may have thought dragons were intense, you may have thought things couldn't go up from there, but have we got news for you! For the second task of the Tri Wizard Tournament, I present to you… A LAKE!

Now before you all go and lose your heads, I am told that all contestants were asked if they could swim, and given complimentary vanity life jackets.

Now before I welcome our contestants, I want to ask our audience to put on sunglasses before they are blinded by the beauty of Durmstrang's own Victor Krum!

From Beauxbatons, it's the one, the only, the Fleuriest, Fleur Delacour!

And from Hogwarts, We have the dynamic duo, Harry "I swear it's a real scar and I am not just going through a phase" Potter, and Cedric "Totally not a Death Eater" Diggory! Since we haven't been able to **find** an actor willing to play Cedric since Act II Scene 1, once again Harry Potter will remain conspicuously absent from this scene!

ALBUS

Where did they even find this guy?

SCORPIUS

We need to find some way to humiliate Cedric!

ALBUS

I like it when you are all business.

SCORPIUS

Huh?

ALBUS

Nothing… So, uh, what happened the first time, I mean this time, I mean the real time, I mean, uh, you know what I mean?

SCORPIUS

He used a Bubble charm to be able to breathe underwater.

ALBUS

Right! I knew that, I was just checking if you did.

 _(Beat)_

Hmmm. We could try to inflate his head, you know, so he floats like a balloon! Then his head will be so big he'll be just like my dad!

SCORPIUS

OK, first, skulls don't stretch. Second, you do get Balloons rise because of what's in them right? It's not just because its "air" in there. And if we fill his head with helium, all we do is save Voldemort the trouble of killing him. So I am going to have to give that one a rain check.

ALBUS

Ok, what if we pants him?

SCORPIUS

Far more manageable, but how do we get near him? Wouldn't people see us?

ALBUS

Duh, Magic. C'mon Scorpius, you're not thinking with your wand.

 _(SCORPIUS motions with his wand. A TECHIE runs on and tries to pants Cedric but fails. It is revealed that Cedric is wearing a belt. The TECHIE leaves in exasperation)_

SCORPIUS

No good, his pants must be magic proof!

ALBUS

Crap. You have any other ideas?

SCORPIUS

We could pie him?

ALBUS

Can you throw a pie?

SCORPIUS

No, I am so unathletic I once struck out at Tee Ball, can you?

ALBUS

Sadly no, all the sports genes went to James.

SCORPIUS

Well shit.

DELPHI

 _(from offstage)_

Oh for goodness sakes. IMPERIO!

 _(Cedric proceeds to pants himself, then manages to create a pie with "magic" (TECHIES) and hits himself in the face with it)_

LUDO BAGMAN

Well you've seen it here first folks, Cedric is unveiling a brand new strategy, the likes of which we have never seen, and may never see again. Such majesty, such grace, such utter humiliation, I don't think anyone here will ever let Cedric live this down, dare I say we might even push him down a road that leads to hate, racism, fascism, and even wearing all black. But that's very unlikely, after all Cedric is such a kind hearted, humble young man. What's this? There are fireworks in the sky that says "RON LOVES HERMIONEE! NO IT HAS ONE E, FINE SMART ASS IT HAS TWO E'S BUT THEY AREN'T TOGETHER. CAN YOU JUST SAY RON LOVES HERMION-" and it looks like the fireworks ran out folks. That was certainly interesting.

SCORPIUS

WHOA! What did you do?

ALBUS

Oh, I just went to talk to Fred and George when we traveled back here-

SCORPIUS

What? How? I've been with you the entire time!

 _(ALBUS shrugs.)_

ALBUS

None of this makes **any** sense. Just go with it.

 _(_ _Red lights flash while ALBUS and SCORPIUS run clockwise in a circle to travel back to their current time)_


	3. Act III

Hey guys! As promised, here's Act III! The fourth and final act will be posted in the next day or so - enjoy!

* * *

 **ACT III**

 **III.1**

 _(Enter SCORPIUS)_

SCORPIUS

Al? Albus? Why is it so dark and gloomy here? What happened? Albus, where are you?

 _(Enter SNAPE and CEDRIC. CEDRIC approaches SCORPIUS.)_

CEDRIC

 _(tapping his wrists together)_

For Voldemort and Valor!

SNAPE

Don't say the Dark Lord's name!

CEDRIC

But that's the slogan.

SNAPE

Huh. A strange inconsistency in our world. Fortunately, there's just one. Now, Scorpius Malfoy! What are you doing out of bed at this hour?

SCORPIUS

Who are you?

SNAPE

I? Who am I? Twenty points from Slytherin, boy, you ungrateful –

CEDRIC

Come now, Severus, I _find_ that to be quite unfair.

SCORPIUS

Severus Snape?

SNAPE

Professor Snape.

CEDRIC

Clearly he's been confounded, Severus. Do you need me to help you _find_ the castle, Scorpius?

SNAPE

Cedric, I'm sure he'll be fine. He is, after all, the most popular boy at school.

SCORPIUS

I'm the most popular boy in school?

SNAPE

Yes, you dull boy, though the way you're acting I'm surprised that anyone cares about you at all.

SCORPIUS

You're Cedric Diggory?

SNAPE

 _Professor_ Diggory, to you.

SCORPIUS

That's not how the play goes.

SNAPE

Shhhh – we're bending the plot to make it simpler.

SCORPIUS

Ahhhh.

CEDRIC

I _find_ this whole situation very suspicious. Perhaps we should report this?

SNAPE

To whom? The Dark Lord?

CEDRIC

Why not?

SCORPIUS

Volde—

 _(HIS eyes suddenly widen as he gasps)_

How did you both survive the Battle of Hogwarts?

CEDRIC

Ah, one of my favorite battles! I _find_ it to be massively underrepresented in the literature. Basically, I killed one person and that was it. I was a mediocre Death Eater.

SCORPIUS

You were a Death Eater?

CEDRIC

Actually thinking back on it, it seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it? I _find_ my character development to be rather ludicrous. I used to be a kind upstanding young man. Now I like killing and torturing mud-bloods.

 _(CEDRIC shrugs good-naturedly)_

SNAPE

Two strange inconsistencies.

SCORPIUS

Who did you kill?

CEDRIC

Oh just a nobody. Neville Longbottom?

SCORPIUS

Oh no, you mean the **one** person at the Battle of Hogwarts who could have pulled the sword of Gryffindor out of the Sorting Hat? You know, because there weren't any other true Gryffindors there?

CEDRIC

Yep!

SNAPE

How do you not know what happened at the Battle of Hogwarts?

 _(beat)_

Professor Diggory, will you leave us for a moment?

CEDRIC

Of course!

 _(HE exits.)_

SNAPE

What is wrong with you, boy?

SCORPIUS

Brace yourself.

SNAPE

A lot of things have happened in my life. I don't think you'll surprise me.

SCORPIUS

Are you sure?

SNAPE

Yes.

SCORPIUS

It's kind of a big deal…

SNAPE

Just tell me.

SCORPIUS

You're really old though… I don't know what it's going to do to you…

SNAPE

Malfoy!

SCORPIUS

I am from a different timeline. I know all your secrets, how you love Lily Potter, how you were a double-agent for the Order of the Phoenix, everything.

 _(SNAPE collapses in shock)_

I told you so.

SNAPE

 _(collecting himself)_

Yes, of course. It's just . . . of all the things to have happened I did not expect this.

SCORPIUS

Yeah, I know, right?

SNAPE

I just thought time didn't have different timelines? Wasn't that what happened in the third book?

SCORPIUS

Well, apparently not. I need your help to overthrow Voldemort.

SNAPE

 _The Dark Lord._ And it's too late. He's taken over everything. Harry Potter is dead, and has been since the Battle of Hogwarts.

SCORPIUS

So that's why Albus is gone!

SNAPE

Wait. I may know two people who can help.

 _(HE gestures offstage. Enter RON and HERMIONE)_

RON

We've been watching the whole time, so we know what's up.

HERMIONE

How do we save the world?

SCORPIUS

We go back in time. I've got a time turner.

HERMIONE

But you can't change time, can you? I mean, when we did it in the third book, time was a closed loop – we could impact the past but it would not change the consequences in the present.

SCORPIUS

No, this is a different time turner.

SNAPE

Three inconsistencies.

HERMIONE

What do we change?

SCORPIUS

We have to stop my friend and me going back in time and stop Cedric Diggory from doing well in two tasks of the tri-wizard tournament. He has to do well and be killed by Voldemort, so Neville Longbottom lives through the Battle of Hogwarts to take out the last Horcrux.

RON

That seems super weird but okay. Where's your friend?

SCORPIUS

Wait a minute . . . if Albus doesn't exist in this timeline, then who convinced me to go back in time and save Cedric?

 _(Everyone looks at the audience and shrugs.)_

SNAPE

Four.

SCORPIUS

Ok, but this is how the play goes, so let's go.

RON

Okay!

HERMIONE

Wait! We can't leave, because if we do, the Dementors will get us. They'll kiss us.

RON

Not if we go quickly.

SCORPIUS

I don't want you to risk your lives.

SNAPE

I will sacrifice myself! I have to prove that I am a good, heroic character in all the possible timelines.

HERMIONE

Me, too!

RON

Me, four!

SNAPE

Although, of course, my sacrifice is the biggest because I'm dead in the other timeline. So I'm really dying, while you guys are just changing.

 _(Melodramatically)_

Sometimes costs are made to be borne.

HERMIONE

Let's go. Give me the time turner.

 _(They go back in time to the first task, with "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror playing. Enter ALBUS and CEDRIC, and SOMEONE WITH A SCORPIUS MASK ON A STICK.)_

ALBUS

Expelliarmus!

HERMIONE

Protego! Phew, just in time.

 _(They shoot back forward in time, with someone standing center stage and spinning the hands of a clock.)_

Okay, almost done, one more.

SCORPIUS

I feel like we had more time in the past last time…

HERMIONE

Huh. Wonder why that is.

SNAPE

Five.

RON

What's that?

SNAPE

Dementors!

 _(Enter DEMENTORS)_

HERMIONE

Go! We'll hold them! Take him to the lake, Severus, where the second task is!

SNAPE

Yeah, my sacrifice has to be the last and greatest.

 _(SNAPE and SCORPIUS exit. The DEMENTORS kiss RON and HERMIONE in a very gross French kiss, then carry them offstage. SNAPE and SCORPIUS re-enter.)_

Oh, no! The dementors are everywhere!

SCORPIUS

The lake is still a little ways away.

SNAPE

Yes! Now I will sacrifice myself! Go, Scorpius, go!

 _(SCORPIUS does.)_

Music, please!

( _Dramatic music plays. The DEMENTORS approach. They lewdly kiss SNAPE.)_

Ew. Sacrificing yourself isn't as cool as I thought . . .

 _(THEY carry him offstage. Enter SCORPIUS. HE travels back in time to the second task. TECHIES pick him up and carry him backwards while the lights flash.)_

ALBUS

Sadly, no, all the sports genes went to James.

SCORPIUS

What?

DELPHI

Oh, for heaven's sake-

SCORPIUS

Wait, no!

 _(HE throws himself in front of her spell.)_

DELPHI

Imperio!

 _(SCORPIUS pantses and pies himself.)_

ALBUS

What are you doing? Scorpius, no!

 _(The time turner/TECHIES pulls SCORPIUS forward. Standing there is ALBUS, disappointed.)_

ALBUS (cont'd)

We failed, Scorpius. We failed. Why did you have to throw yourself in front of the curse?

 _(SCORPIUS, ecstatic, runs over and kisses a surprised ALBUS.)_

Oh, are we friends that kiss now? Okay. I – I like it.

SCORPIUS

Oh, Albus, you're back! And you're all dry and funny and Albus-y again!

ALBUS

Back? Back from where?

 _(RON, HERMIONE, HARRY, GINNY, DRACO, and MCGONAGALL enter, the adults standing in a horseshoe center stage, with ALBUS and SCORPIUS standing in the middle, slightly downstage center.)_

SCORPIUS

So it's okay then? Everything is back to normal?

MCGONAGALL

Everyone is alive, so, yes.

SCORPIUS

It was so crazy! Voldemort was back and -

DRACO

We picked up on that, precisely. We've been posterior to the portier this entire period.

SCORPIUS

But Cedric was a Death Eater and -

HARRY

Again, like Draco said in his weird Draco way, we were backstage the entire time.

SCORPIUS

So you know about the-

HERMIONE

Yes.

SCORPIUS

Okay, so then you guys understand that because Cedric kills Neville Longbottom we can't save him, because saving him in a different way will still inevitably lead this kind and loyal Hufflepuff turning into a Death Eater.

ALBUS

That's okay, my plot driven desire to save Cedric is already gone. I don't care anymore!

SCORPIUS

Well, as long as it's cool with you.

RON

Wait, Cedric kills Neville?

HERMIONE

Ron, that was five minutes ago! This is why we have to deal with so many information dumps!

GINNY

Yeah Ron, keep up!

HARRY

Anyway, I have realized, through my infinite wisdom and awesomeness, that this really was all Albus' fault, and since it's time to repair our tumultuous relationship and lead up to a heartwarming resolution, I am ready to admit that I was wrong, and you two can be friends again.

ALBUS

Daaaad, you don't understand meeee - wait, really? Cool!

SCORPIUS

But why-

ALBUS

 _(Taking SCORPIUS' hand)_

Don't question it.

GINNY

So, Harry, are you giving your blessing for them to be friends, or …..friends?

 _(Wink.)_

Because I'm fine with both, but I'm just checking our stance on this whole…

HARRY

Friends…..? What are you talking about Babe?

GINNY

Never mind.

HERMIONE

So, whatever happened to the time turner?

SCORPIUS

 _(Hiding the time turner, drops it accidentally, picks it up and hides it again)_

It's broken. Lost. Stolen. Gone. Something happened to it, it's done for, don't question it.

HERMIONE

Sounds legit.

MCGONAGALL

Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with the lot of you! It is time for me to regain my personality so I can tell you just how stupid you are! You two -

 _(To ALBUS and SCORPIUS)_

-basically created a time paradox that I have yet to understand how we got out of -

HERMIONE

Wait, can I just say, isn't time travel in this universe supposed to be a closed loop? I mean, isn't the idea that there is only one timeline and everything is inevitable in the end?

HARRY

Wait, I thought you did –

SCORPIUS

No, now it's like this!

HERMIONE

So if we go back, is that a loop or an alternate timeline -

GINNY

I think it would be a timeline?

RON

If it wasn't it would just be our third year all over again, and we saw how well that worked out last time…

HARRY

That worked out awesomely though, so it can't be like that….

MCGONAGALL

I'm still yelling at you! And you -

 _(To ALBUS and HARRY)_

\- cannot have a normal conversation without manufactured angst -

ALBUS

But he doesn't understand me!

MCGONAGALL

Am I not going to be allowed to yell at you? You know what, I don't care. I give up being a strong female character. It seems to be in fashion these days, and you know how much of a follower I am.

HARRY

This is why you rock, professor.

 _(Enter DELPHI stage right. ALBUS drops SCORPIUS' hand.)_

SCORPIUS

This is Delphi.

DELPHI

Actually, I prefer "She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

ALL _(except DELPHI)_

Oh, okay then.

ALBUS

Come on She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, let's go.

 _(ALBUS, SCORPIUS, and DELPHI exit stage right.)_

RON

She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named… does that remind you of anyone Harry?

HARRY

Certainly not someone we shouldn't let our kids go off alone with!

 _(Blackout)_

* * *

 **III.2**

 _(ALBUS and SCORPIUS are being tied up)_

ALBUS

Why are you tying us up Delph-, I mean She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named? Also what's with the nickname?

SCORPIUS

It sounds really familiar, it almost like I've heard that name before…

ALBUS

Were you in Witch Weekly?

DELPHI

You two are insufferable! I am Voldemort's Daughter, VOLDEMORT, you know, HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-NAMED?

ALBUS

 _(To SCORPIUS)_

You have a sister?

 _(To DELPHI)_

Sooooo… Can we have our wands back now?

SCORPIUS

Ah yes, our WANDS, she has taken our WANDS. Without our WANDS, we will be unable to do magic!

 _(DELPHI snaps WANDS in half, or other equivalent fraction. Albus pulls out the script, and flips through it.)_

ALBUS

Stupid plot. We need to be able to find new wands before the battle scene!

SCORPIUS

Pssst, Al, we aren't there yet, turn back a few pages.

ALBUS

I know, I know, I just wanted to make it clear that right now, we don't have WANDS, and we somehow need to get new WANDS before we can use WANDS in the battle scene.

SCORPIUS

So, do you have daddy issues or something?

DELPHI

SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!

ALBUS and SCORPIUS

What?

DELPHI

Can we pretend that didn't happen? Great…

 _(Enter CRAIG)_

DELPHI

 _(To ALBUS and SCORPIUS)_

Who's that?

SCORPIUS

Craig.

DELPHI

Doesn't matter now. AVADA KEDAVRA

 _(CRAIG dies)_

ALBUS

YOU KILLED …. uh, what's his name again?

SCORPIUS

YOU BASTARD!

DELPHI

That will be you if you don't do what I say, now listen up. Give me the time turner.

 _(They give DELPHI the time turner)_

ALBUS

Will you let us go now?

DELPHI

No.

SCORPIUS

Why not?

DELPHI

Because I am bringing you back in time with me.

SCORPIUS

Why? Wouldn't we just be a liability?

DELPHI

I DON'T KNOW!

 _(Back in time with lights flashing and people backstage shouting "TIME TRAVEL")_

 _(Enter CEDRIC)_

CEDRIC

Whoa there little ones, what have I **found?** Doth this cruel temptress hold your fates between her wrists?

ALBUS

Why are you talking like that..?

CEDRIC

What for do you mean young one. Praytell.

ALBUS

Oh god, he keeps going. I will never understand adults.

SCORPIUS

Perhaps this is an alternate timeline where Cedric speaks in a shakespearean dialect for some reason?

ALBUS

Why would this be an alternate timeli- FUCK IT, none of this time travel makes sense anymore.

DELPHI

Cedric, if you don't become a Death Eater, I will kill these children in front of you.

CEDRIC

EXPELLIARMUS.

DELPHI

Really should have considered that.

 _(DELPHI waits patiently as CEDRIC unties ALBUS and SCORPIUS)_

ALBUS

Thank you so much, but you must go now, everything depends on you finishing this task!

CEDRIC

Very well, I go, I go; look how I go, Swifter than arrow from the Tartar's bow.

SCORPIUS

That was straight up _Midsummer Night's Dream_!

CEDRIC

Eh

 _(Exit CEDRIC)_

DELPHI

I am still taking you back further, I have one more trick to try.

ALBUS

Why should we come with you? You threatened to kill us!

DELPHI

Because the plot says so.

SCORPIUS

Can't argue with that.

 _(Short choreographed dance routine to "Year 3000" for time travel while lights change colors)_

DELPHI

All right, I have no further use for you. So stay here and don't interfere with my evil plans.

Oh, and one last thing-

 _(DELPHI breaks time turner)_

Now you are stuck here permanently.

SCORPIUS

Won't we just travel back after five minutes?

DELPHI

No.

ALBUS

But that doesn't make any sense! Wouldn't destroying the time turner mean we just can't go back into the past again? Why would it stop us from being warped to the-

DELPHI

No.

SCORPIUS

But-

DELPHI

Timey-Wimey.

ALBUS

Huh?

DELPHI

No.

 _(Exit DELPHI)_


	4. Act IV

Well, here it is guys - the fourth and final act! Hope you all have enjoyed this, and I promise I'll write more THR and The Thorn In My Side over winter break. I'll try to post the link for the recording of our performance on my page once the show goes up (December 10th and 11th). Until then, have a happy Thanksgiving (if you celebrate it) and a good rest of the semester!

-Codee21

* * *

 **ACT IV**

 **IV.1**

ALBUS

 _(Banging his head on the nearest wall)_

Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst. Angst, angst, angst.

SCORPIUS

Albus, focus.

ALBUS

Where are we?

SCORPIUS

 _When_ are we?

ALBUS

Well, based on the smell of hairspray, angst, and desperation, I'd say we're in about…

 _(big sniff)_

... 1981 or so.

SCORPIUS

Well that settles that at least! But still…

 _(sees something in the distance, pauses to look at it and point)_

Wait, is that who I think it is?

ALBUS

He looks just like my dad, but my urge to whine at him is much less strong. And she…

SCORPIUS

Oh no, this is bad. We shouldn't be here. How is this possible?

ALBUS

This is the day my grandparents died, when my dad was supposed to die. Does that mean that Delphi is planning to finish the job?

SCORPIUS

I sure hope not, but I don't see what else could be going on. Hang on, wasn't there a Fidelius Charm around them? How is it that we can even see them? It should be impossible for us to know they're here.

ALBUS

And you wonder why I'm so angsty all the time? None of this makes sense. We'll take that up with J.K. Rowling later. But for now, let's just deal with the situation at hand.

SCORPIUS

Right. So we're here, in Godric's Hollow in 1981, with no wands, no way to get back to the present, and no way to stop Delphi?

ALBUS

It looks like it. As pleasurable as it would be to hide in a hole with you for forty years-or a closet-we need to find a way out of here. If only we could just contact our parents in the future somehow.

SCORPIUS

Hm… you're dad's already here as a baby, right? Can we leave some sort of message with him, like a letter or something?

ALBUS

Maybe, but that might get lost or stolen too early.

SCORPIUS

A tattoo?

ALBUS

No, what's wrong with you? I'm not tattooing my infant father.

SCORPIUS

Sorry, I just figured I'd put it out there… Wait, I've got it! What if we leave some sort of magical message on his blanket, so that forty years from now, when the right kind of potion is spilled on it, a message will appear that tells them to come rescue us!

ALBUS

That's probably the stupidest, most overcomplicated idea I've ever heard. My life is so hard…. Wait, we're so overthinking this. This time I've got it. They're just backstage over there, so we can just shout to them from here!

SCORPIUS

That's so stupid it just might work.

ALBUS

Well, I'll give it a shot.

 _(whiny voice)_

Daaaaaaaad!

HARRY

Wait, what? Who's there?

ALBUS

Yes, it worked! Hello, dad? It's me, Albus. We're stuck in the 80s and we need your help.

HARRY

What!?

GINNY

Harry, who are you talking to?

HARRY

It's Albus.

GINNY

Ooh, let me talk too! Hello, Albus, can you hear me? It's your mother.

ALBUS

Hi mom.

GINNY

How was your day?

ALBUS

Fine, mom, but that's not what's important right now. I was just saying, Scorpius and I are stuck in the 80s and we need some help.

GINNY

What's that? Scorpius is there too? Just a second, let me go get Draco.

 _(Pause while she goes and gets DRACO, they can look bored/impatient or something.)_

GINNY _(cont'd)_

Albus, are you still there? I got Draco.

DRACO

Hello?

SCORPIUS

Dad! It's me!

DRACO

Scorpius? Hi, how are you? How was your day?

SCORPIUS

Fine, dad, but that's not what's important right now. We sort of need some urgent help.

DRACO

I know all about it, I was listening in from backstage.

SCORPIUS

That's convenient.

DRACO

Well, it just so happens that I have a second one of those super-duper Time Turners that I forgot about until right now, so we'll be right over!

HARRY

So you're telling me that throughout this entire situation, you've just had this second plot device thing with you the whole time, and you just _forgot_?

DRACO

Yep.

GINNY

Well, that's convenient.

HARRY

And now that the audience needs to be able to fully understand you because you're introducing a key plot element, you're suddenly able to start talking without spitting all over us?

DRACO

Yep.

GINNY

Well, that's convenient too. We can talk about this later. We'll be right over, just let me get Ron and Hermione.

 _(Another pause like the last one.)_

RON

Hello? What's going on?

ALBUS

Hi Uncle Ron, it's Albus and Scorpius here.

RON

Oh, hi kids! How were your days?

ALBUS and SCORPIUS

Fine, but that's not what's important right now.

HERMIONE

They just filled us in, we'll be right there!

 _(DEMENTORS enter stage right, each carrying copies of Deathly Hallows. They chant as they cross the stage, hitting themselves with the books in reference to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. HERMIONE, HARRY, RON, and DRACO enter behind them.)_

ALBUS

Ok, since you're all conveniently filled in, we need to come up with a plan to stop Delphi.

HARRY

Do you have any idea where she went?

SCORPIUS

No, she just sort of dropped us here.

DRACO

Well I have this convenient plot device here, so couldn't we just go to some other point in time and stop her before she's born or something?

HERMIONE

We could, but I'm afraid of what ripples that could cause. The best course of action is to stop her here and now.

HARRY

It seems like she's strangely obsessed with Voldemort, so if we could lure her with my awesomeness and the prospect of meeting him, that would be ideal.

GINNY

Well in that case, you would have to be the one to impersonate him somehow.

HARRY

You mean face off against evil in one final show down just as I did in my glory days? I dunno...

GINNY

You're the only one of us who can speak Parseltongue, and she's sure to use that when she's talking to him.

HARRY

Which would mean we get to combine my awesomeness and the promise of Voldemort into the ultimate lure? This is why I married you babe.

RON

Ok, it's makeover time!

 _(They sit HARRY in a chair with his back to the audience, giving him a cape, fangs, and slicked back hair.)_

RON

There's it's done!

HARRY

Are you sure this is Voldemort? I think I look more like Dracula.

RON

Oh, right… maybe that's who I was thinking of.

 _(Pats HARRY on the back.)_

Well, there's no time to fix it now! Just stick to the accent and you'll be fine! Good luck, mate!

HERMIONE

Ronald, you are absolutely useless sometimes, do you know that?

HARRY

Wait, I think I hear her coming, everybody hide!

 _(Everyone except HARRY exits.)_

* * *

 **IV.2**

DELPHI

Father! Father, where are you? It is I, your only daughter!

HARRY

 _(awkwardly imitating Transylvanian accent)_

Good evening. It is I, Count- I mean, Lord Voldemort.

DELPHI

Father!

 _(bows)_

It is an honor to meet you at last!

HARRY

What makes you think you are any child of mine?

DELPHI

You are my father and Bellatrix Lestrange is my mother. She gave birth to me before the Battle of Hogwarts, and I was raised by Death Eaters in your image. I even have the gift of Parseltongue. I am here from the future to stop you from making a grave error.

HARRY

Ah, yes, I can hear that you do. But how is what you say possible? Who are you to assume to know more of my totally epic plans than me?

DELPHI

Father, you must believe me! If you attempt to kill Harry Potter tonight, it will spell your doom!

 _(Some time during this line, HARRY's fangs fall out.)_

DELPHI

Wait, something is wrong here. What big eyes you have!

HARRY

The better to see you with.

DELPHI

Father, what big fangs you have!

HARRY

The better to, uh, taste the flesh of my enemies with.

DELPHI

What a big nose you have!

HARRY

 _(losing accent)_

Now listen here you little-

DELPHI

 _(removes the disguise)_

I knew it! You're not my father!

 _(Both draw their wands.)_

HARRY

No, I'm not. And I'm not going to let you get to him either!

DELPHI

We'll see about that. Finally, I get to storm in with my wand blazing, killing everyone and destroying things! Avada Kedavra!

 _(A TECHIE runs on with a knife and jumps HARRY. The TECHIE tries to stab him but fails. TECHIE tries several more times, growing increasingly confused as to why this isn't working. DELPHI tries being more dramatic with the swish and flick, but still it doesn't work.)_

I don't understand. What's happening!?

HARRY

I should have thought of this sooner! Everyone knows that hairspray repels magic, and there's so much of it in the air during the 80s that our wands are useless!

 _(The TECHIE tests the knife with their hand to find it is a retractable stage knife. The TECHIE shrugs and leaves)_

DELPHI

Ugh, I hate the 80s! I guess we'll just have to settle this the way they did back then…

BOTH

 _(pulling out their dice)_

Dungeons and Dragons!

 _(They sit on the ground and start rolling their d20s excitedly, as if it were a sporting event or a real fight - they're really into it.)_

DELPHI

Seventeen! I go first in combat!

HARRY

No way!

DELPHI

Are you calling me a liar, Potter?

HARRY

You're the daughter of Voldemort, of course I think you're a liar!

DELPHI

 _(Pointing at her d20)_

Read it and weep! I summon a greater dragon ally!

HARRY

...A dragon? Seriously? You're summoning a dragon? Didn't we just have a dragon in Act II Scene I?

DELPHI

If it's not broke, don't fix it! I summon three dragons, with 27 hit dice-

HARRY

Whoa whoa whoa. Twenty-seven? What caster level are you?

DELPHI

 _(Smugly)_

Twenty-six

HARRY

 _(Beginning to look truly worried)_

26? SHIT! I'm only eighteen!

 _(Looking to where ALBUS and the others are hiding)_

Guys, I could use some backup here!

 _(DELPHI begins rolling her hit dice one at a time)_

DRACO

 _(Offstage)_

And get caught playing D&D? There is no predicament which could possibly persuade me to participate in this preposterous proposition!

 _(There is a chorus of agreement from the rest of the CAST offstage)_

HARRY

Oh come on, you choose now to start using all p-words again?!

 _(Beat)_

Guys, I don't care who it is, but if someone doesn't get their asses on stage we're going to be stuck in the era of mullets, shoulder pads, and Ronald Reagan. And that wouldn't be cool!

 _(ALBUS stumbles on stage, clearly having been pushed on by the other characters. A wand falls out of his pocket.)_

ALBUS

 _(To CAST offstage)_

Really? Really? Why me?

 _(To himself, angstily)_

Why meeeee?

 _(Noticing the wand that has fallen and picking it up)_

Oh hey, look, a wand! It makes absolutely no sense that a wand just fell out of my pocket, since Delphi snapped mine earlier in the play, but I won't question it!

HARRY

 _(To CAST offstage)_

Did you all really have to choose the one character I've been in conflict with this entire play? Not cool, guys!

 _(To ALBUS)_

Alright, sport, I guess I'm stuck with you - come over here quick and help me!

DELPHI

 _(Continuing to roll her dice)_

...24 hit points...

 _(Rolls again)_

...30 hit points...

 _(Laughing)_

You're going down, Potters!

ALBUS

But Dad, I don't know how to play D&D! I might be a friendless loser, but I'm not **that** much of a friendless loser!

SCORPIUS

 _(Offstage)_

 **Friendless**? Then what am I?

GINNY

 _(Offstage)_

Don't take offense Scorpius, we all know you two are more than friends!

HARRY

Do you mean to say that Scorpius is like a brother to Albus, Ginny?

GINNY

...Yes, Harry. That's exactly what I meant.

DELPHI

 _(Rolls)_

...42 hit points...

 _(Rolls)_

...46 hit points...

HARRY

Look, right now I don't care if you two are thestrals, Veela, or even dating, I just need your help kiddo! There's a conveniently-placed Dungeons and Dragons manual over on stage right, start reading!

ALBUS

Reading? But after that awfulness with the bookcase in Act I I promised the audience I'd never read again-

HARRY

Who cares about what you promised them? We told them this show was going to be funny to get them to come here, didn't we? Albus, please, we broke one promise, we can break another!

ALBUS

That's the first time you've called me by my real name this entire play! Fine, I guess I'll help you...

 _(HE walks to the edge of the stage and picks up the manual)_

DELPHI

 _(Rolling, becoming even more excited with each roll as the damage increases)_

...63 hit points….

ALBUS

Dad, what do I do first?

HARRY

Roll for initiative!

ALBUS

 _(Picking up a die)_

Okay, so first I roll … this die?

 _(He rolls a d20)_

I got a 20. Dad, is 20 bad?

 _(There is some indication that his wand works again)_

ALBUS

Hey, look! The wand that I somehow found in my pocket works again!

 _(He attempts to use magic)_

Incarcerous!

 _(TECHIES carry a coil of rope and secure it around DELPHI'S head. She is clearly not tied up but acts as if she is unable to escape. She struggles against her 'bonds'.)_

DELPHI

Nooooooo! I've been defeated!

 _(The rest reenter)_

RON

You're coming with us, pal. We're sending you… back to the future!

DELPHI

Please! Let me at least lay eyes on my father. I must see him!

HERMIONE

You know we can't do that. The timestream has been damaged enough already, and we're going to set everything right.

DELPHI

You'll pay for this! You'll all pay! The Augury will rise again!

RON

What's the Augury?

HERMIONE

It's seems like it's something that would have been very important if our parody wasn't running long.

 _(All except HARRY and ALBUS begin to carry DELPHI off, but GINNY stops HERMIONE for a moment)_

GINNY

Wait, Hermione, I need to speak with you for a moment.

HERMIONE

Sure, what's up Ginny?

 _(Pause)_

GINNY

Okay, I think we're good.

HERMIONE

Um, alright? What was that all about?

GINNY

Our show is almost over, and I was getting worried we wouldn't pass the Bechdel test. Glad that's taken care of!

 _(HERMIONE agrees and exits with GINNY. HARRY and ALBUS remain.)_

ALBUS

Dad, can I ask you a question?

HARRY

Sure, champ. And thanks for your help back there - that dragon would have gotten the best of me if you hadn't rolled a Nat20!

ALBUS

But without me she wouldn't have even been able to get here.

HARRY

She would have found a way. But lucky for us, the lame way she decided to go about it brought her right into our hands. And that's all thanks to you.

 _(Pause)_

So what did you want to ask me, sport?

ALBUS

Well… it's just that you always seem so cool all the time… so why do you know how to play D&D?

HARRY

 _(Looking around nervously for the others)_

Okay, so the truth is, I'm not really the lead singer and guitarist in an awesome wizard rock band like I've been saying I am - the other Aurors and I have had a D&D campaign going for a few years now, and that's where I go every Thursday night. But don't tell anyone - it'll damage my reputation for being awesome and popular and totally not nerdy.

RON

Mate, you know we're just backstage, right? We can hear everything you're saying!

HERMIONE

And we **just** saw you playing D &D a few minutes ago!

 _(HARRY and ALBUS ignore them. HARRY pats ALBUS on the back, it's a nice moment, etc. There's a pause. ALBUS looks back towards where he first saw James and Lily.)_

ALBUS

Dad… Your parents are still over there. _You're_ still over there. Why are you so calm? I would be an oozing puddle of angst at this point. What are we going to do?

HARRY

… There's nothing we can do. Like Hermione said, time has been tampered with so much already. And, as much as I hate it, what's about to happen tonight has had such a profound impact on my life. I'm not ready to risk giving up my friends, your mother… and you might not exist either. That's just not a chance I'm willing to take.

ALBUS

So… you do want me to be your son?

HARRY

Of course I do, Albus. I wrote a song about it and everything!

ALBUS

 _(nodding slowly)_

I understand... Are you ready to go back to the future?

HARRY

I think so… let's go.

 _(They exit together. Blackout)_

* * *

 **IV.3**

 _(Hogwarts classroom. ALBUS and SCORPIUS enter, chatting excitedly.)_

SCORPIUS

I can't believe I just did that!

ALBUS

Helped overthrow the daughter of Voldemort and save the world?

SCORPIUS

FAR more important to my character development, I asked out Rose Granger-Weasley!

ALBUS

Who?

SCORPIUS

That's right, THE Rose Granger-Weasley!

ALBUS

Drawing a blank.

SCORPIUS

Quidditch player?

 _(ALBUS shakes his head)_

Your cousin?

 _(Still no)_

The girl used to define our relationship as purely a bromance, since there can only be one gay Albus in the series?

ALBUS

 _(Bitter but trying to hide his feelings)_

Oh right! Glad you finally established your heteronormativity.

SCORPIUS

 _(Mutters)_

She said no.

ALBUS

Wait-

SCORPIUS

I planted the seed! The acorn is planted!

 _(HARRY enters)_

HARRY

You ready, Albus?

ALBUS

Dad? What are you doing at Hogwarts? Where are we going?

HARRY

Why, to our heartwarming conclusion of course! You and I need to resolve our differences, or the play can't end, and we'll be stuck here all night!

ALBUS

 _(To HARRY)_

Well, we can't have that!

 _(To SCORPIUS)_

I've gotta go, I'll see you after this scene, okay?

 _(Starts to walk away casually, but SCORPIUS awkwardly tackles him with a hug, which ALBUS struggles to break out of and finally escapes from. Whispers)._

Not in front of my dad.

 _(Louder, both trying to cover in front of his father, but also still upset that Scorpius has asked out Rose rather than him)_

I mean, you sure Rose won't mind? Ha! Ha! Okay dad let's go.

 _(ALBUS begins to walk away towards Harry, but he stops and turns back to SCORPIUS. SCORPIUS seems to be making a decision, then squares his shoulders.)_

SCORPIUS

Rose who?

 _(ALBUS rushes to Scorpius. They kiss for a moment. Eventually they break apart, SCORPIUS exits and ALBUS watches him leave lovingly)_

Okay dad, now let's go.

 _(HARRY and ALBUS walk upstage)._

HARRY

Albus, I know I'm always talked up as "The Boy Who Lived," and made out to be this kind of hero. And sure, I saved the school a few times. Well, really, the world. Did you know that I singlehandedly took down Voldemort himself at age eleven? And boy, you should have seen me play Quidditch, I was-

ALBUS

Dad.

HARRY

Oops, sorry. Anyways, what I was getting at is that… I'm sorry, this is just a little difficult to talk to you about. I know things have been difficult between us, but I'm finally ready to say… I'm… afraid of pigeons. I'm afraid of pigeons! Merlin, I've been meaning to get that off my chest for the past twenty-nine years!

ALBUS

This seems highly pertinent.

HARRY

Oh, and I guess being a father is hard, no matter how awesome my parenting skills generally are. I'm sorry for expecting too much of you, and I'm sorry for naming you after two cool men with very uncool names.

ALBUS

Wow dad, maybe you do understand me. I really feel a well-timed and incredibly sudden bout of love for you coming on. It's almost like we're… just slightly… melting together

 _(Slowly squish together on those lines)._

MCGONAGALL

 _(Out to audience)_

And all was well.

 _(Pause)_

For real this time.

 _(Pause)_

We're done, we're not dragging this out anymore. Nothing else is gonna go wrong, I swear. This is it. All. Was. Well.

 **The End**


	5. Recording!

Hey guys! So I'm not sure if it's FF's policy or just a tech glitch on my side, but I'm not able to post a link to the performance of Harry Potter and the Slightly Unfortunate Child as I'd hoped. I can, however, tell you that it's the first option that pops up if you search that title on YouTube - Enjoy!


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